About to Jump

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I’m too depressed to sit at my computer,
so here I am on my phone.
I’m tired, lonely, feeling sick,
questioning my will to live.
It is a dark time.
I go through a mental list of people I know
wondering who might be able to talk,
and then I write everyone off:
Too busy
They haven’t been there
I told them what I was going through
and they distanced themselves.
They wouldn’t want to hear
about my life anyway.

So I feel utterly isolated
in the cold, dark and lonely
wishing I could die.
Meanwhile
My children are playing
in the other room.
The truth is
I hate myself and my life right now
and it feels like it will always be this way.
I’m standing on a ledge in my mind,
about to jump.

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Autumn Sky Inspiration

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I was walking across a parking lot today
when movement up above caught my eye.
Looking up into the bright blue,
cold, clear autumn sky
I saw a gorgeous hawk
circling slowly overhead.
Transfixed, I stopped,
struck by the graceful
stretch of wings
and the way the bird
was allowing itself to float
unmoving
on invisible circles of air.
What if we could do that?
I asked myself.
Don’t we all have to stretch
before we can fly?
I wondered what would happen
if I stretched myself like this,
and allowed myself
to be buoyed up
by the invisible forces
that constantly move me.

I Should Have Chosen Silence

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You’d think after all this time
I’d have the sanity
to decline
important conversations
after he’s had too much wine.
But my ego was bruised
and I guess my mind confused
which course of action
would lead to resolution
and which to more confusion.
When my fear speaks louder
than the quiet wisdom within
it’s time to shut my mouth
and retreat far away
from the din of those
who know not
that silence is an option.

Within Reach

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If you knew that what you wanted
was within reach
right outside your comfort zone
would you go for it?
If you knew it would take
some effort on your part
would you go ahead
and muster the strength?
If you knew you could do it
but you would need to choose it,
and choose it with every fiber
of your beautiful being,
would you make the choice?

–Says the Universe to us,
every single day, as it
puts what we want
within reach—
just outside our comfort zone.

Unavailable

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A knock on my bedroom door.
I opened it a crack.
Are you available to talk, he asked?
It was late, I was tired,
and I was pretty sure
he wanted to convince me
to take his point of view on something
with which I wholeheartedly disagreed.
Are you available to talk?
No, I said, and shut the door.
No explanation.
I just shut the door.
And it was so satisfying!
After eight years of attempts
at real connection,
of trying to get him to articulate
his true feelings
and receiving criticism
for everything I am
and everything I do,
he has forfeited any right
to be in my presence
when I don’t want him there.
Tonight I was unavailable,
and damn it felt good.

Back Home: What Lies Ahead

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I’m back in MD
after a long day of travel.
I’ll be honest…
It’s a let down
coming back to the cold
and the chaos of home
after the warmth
and the simplicity
of the desert.
I thought I did so much
work on my retreat,
the work of awakening,
of becoming more aware.
It turns out
the the greatest work
likes ahead.

Last Night in Arizona (For Now)

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My girlfriends have left
and here I am in Phoenix,
in a nice room I found
on Airbnb (thank you!)
I leave tomorrow.
I miss my kids
and can’t wait to see them,
yet I feel anxious
about coming back
and seeing the man
who was my husband for eight years.
This grieving process makes no sense.
This heart feels healed and wounded
all at once.
I went to the desert for answers,
I shared my insights,
I meditated, laughed and cried.
My heart burst open.
I could see that everything will be fine.
But how to maintain that feeling
in a home that no longer feels like home?
I wonder how I can
integrate myself
back into my daily routine,
how I will look at him,
speak to him
knowing what I know now.
One day at a time I suppose…
it’s the only way this works
in the end.