Reflections at the End of the Day

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After a year and five months of living in our new home, I finally got around to finding a doctor who lives in the area.  I saw her today and ended up talking to her about my moods and how much anger I deal with, especially toward the end of my cycles. It’s humbling to have to admit that I need help dealing with something I thought I could handle on my own.  And I get caught up in the thinking that I’ve done so much work with my meditation, journaling, and seeing my therapist that surely I should be better by now.

It’s painful to admit that I scored very low on a life satisfaction survey even though many of the components necessary for a  happy life are already present in mine.  I have a family that I love and who loves me, work that is deeply fulfilling, and many interests that keep me wanting to learn and explore life.  What is wrong?  What is keeping me from expressing the highest version of myself?

These questions have no answers. They are an invitation to relax into this reality and to cultivate compassion for the one in me who needs gentleness and understanding.

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2 responses »

  1. Dear Lorien, I would think that this post took a lot of courage to share, thank you for your openness. I doubt there is anyone who hasn’t felt at some point what you express. I agree that life isn’t a clear equation of This + This = Happiness. Personally speaking though, I have felt that there has been more truth in the equation of Life – This, That and The Other does help = More Happiness. For me that meant reducing mind junk like unhelpful thoughts, Facebook, the news, reducing my work hours, saying no to committees etc.  My mind feels more spacious and much happier. I wish you all success as you continue your journey in finding whatever is going to help work for you. 

    • Thank you Theresa for writing such a thoughtful comment. You are wise to cut out some of the extra stuff so that you can move closer to what is essential for your happiness. As far as taking courage to write my post, I think for me it’s more cathartic than anything else–like I’ve gone to the cyber confessional. I reason that if anyone is uncomfortable with my candor they can freely choose to not visit my blog anymore. This is a risk I’m willing to take in order to give a voice to those who might be experiencing the same thing but feel like they can’t talk about it or who imagine themselves to be isolated cases. It helps me to remember that I’m not alone in all my human idiosyncrasies…and so I share them so that others might also know that they are not alone. Sharing in this way feels like a mission. So, not so much courage but more like motivation to write and compassion for myself and for anyone else going through this same thing.

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