Author Archives: Lorien

About Lorien

Mother, yogini, yoga teacher. Committed to teaching and living the path of yoga as a means of self realization.

Remember the Inner Light

Standard

Tired and low again today.
My fear is that this state
becomes my normal state,
that I cease to have hope,
that my resolve to change
crashes and burns.
I remember suddenly
that the solstice is in one week.
These are the darkest days of the year.
May I remember the inner light
as the world grows darker
and the nights longer.

Advertisements

Merry Christmas Anyway

Standard

And then I realized
I was still waiting for approval somehow.
Was I crazy?
I’ve waited so long,
why am I still doing this to myself?
So I decided to stop waiting
for someone else’s approval
and work on gaining my own.
I discovered that I try so hard to be good
and in trying I forget how good I already am.
In a moment of insanity
I see everyone as an enemy
who might not see how great I am
(their loss)
Then it must be my job to help them see
how very very good I am.
But even when my words are crystal clear
they cannot be seen
by those who have
intentionally blinded themselves.
Would shouting work
if you couldn’t hear?
Would jumping up and down in your face help
if you couldn’t see?
Why force people into behaviors
for which they have no natural aptitude
and absolutely no desire?
How cruel.
She told me she was a forgiving person
and in time we could be friends.
You can do it!
Just be positive!
See that it’s for the best.
Blah-dee blah-dee  blah.
When I asked for clarification,
she told me she didn’t want to argue.
When I said I was attempting
to gain understanding
she said she needed to stop right now.
Ah, ok.
Now I see where he gets it.
Ouch.
Merry Christmas anyway.

Wholly Dazed

Standard

Don’t get me wrong,
it’s not that I hate Christmas…
It’s just that it is dead to me now.
The lights, the trees, the carols,
stepping into the home
of my son’s kindergarten friend,
seeing their happy Christmas
taking shape in their happy home,
and inwardly bemoaning
the shapelessness of my Christmas,
now that it’s dead.
Disintegration.
A marriage, a holiday, a life,
all falling apart.
Dead things decay;
particles break down
and return to the earth.
New life springs up
and eases the memory of death.
Will this happen for me?
Can I hope for this much?

Self-Help Junkie

Standard

I ordered more self-help books today…
they’ve been my drug of choice
since June.
I keep believing
someone else has found
the clear path to my healing.
I’m searching
for the recipe
the strategy
the tip
the trick
the magical incantation
the mantra
the meditation
the process
the 40 day workbook
the online program
the teacher, speaker, or coach
to help me feel ok
about my life,  my self.
The hungry ghost looms large;
its insatiable appetite aches loudly.
I am overcome by everything.
I start to believe
that some mistake was made
when I came to Earth,
because clearly
I wasn’t meant for this world.
I pick up another self-help book.
Oh, someone else feels this way too?
I find some hope, some solace,
one moment of respite.
There are worse addictions.

Hang Ups

Standard

Years ago
his mother made
the cutest Christmas stockings
for all of us,
a little family of stockings
with all of our names
that always looked so cheerful
hanging up.
This year he asked
Should I hang yours up?
And I said No.
How can I face
that happy little family
of four
when my real life family
is… no more?
Now I’m sad
seeing just three stockings hanging up
where before there were four.
Ah, I should just get over myself.
It’s a stocking.
I could just hang it up.
Why all these hang ups?

 

PS I actually fantasized about asking his mother if she wanted my stocking back, being that it’s handmade and all and I kind of can’t look at it any more without sobbing.  I pictured myself saying something like, “So I can just pry the letters of my name off, I’ll send it back to you, and you can keep it safe until he gets remarried.  Then you can put his next wife’s name on it.  I’m sure she’ll love it.

I of course didn’t do that.  High fives!  The love that I still have for the woman far outweighs the satisfaction I would’ve felt at being so outrageous.  Plus, with no one there to photograph or film her reaction, what’s the point?

Forgiveness All Day

Standard

I spent the day praying
for a miracle of forgiveness.
I didn’t want to hold grievances
against anyone anymore.
I wanted to be free
of all the negativity
that was chaining me
to hurts of my past.
It seemed to go quite well,
this heart-opening I requested
from God and the Angels.
I felt lighter, more spacious,
more free,
as I imagined forgiving everyone
in my life, no exceptions.
But then night fell.
He went out with his friends
leaving me alone with the kids…
again.
And I was tired.
And they wouldn’t go to bed.
Then they wouldn’t stay in bed.
So I yelled. I got loud and angry.
But hey,
I practiced forgiveness all day,
so maybe I’ll be able
to extend some to myself.

One Little Life

Standard

The purpose of the Dark Night
is to better see the light of day
when dawn arrives
and we realize we are still living.
The hurt we feel
helps keep us real
for all others who are hurting.
And the steps we take to heal the hurt
give us the strength to show up
and convey the honest truth
to those who have forgotten.
In the fullness of time
the wounds heal
and reveal the delicate dance
of life balancing on the precipice
of sadness and joy.
Come to the balance point
and regard the potential for both,
inside, outside,
everywhere around you.
Trust that there are no mistakes
and allow the dance to inform
the deepest layers of your being.
Always in a space of becoming,
we are all dreamers, doers, thinkers,
lovers, artists, scoundrels
and precious fools
fumbling through this one little life.