It all changes, all of the time,
so why do we become so surprised
when things change?
The weather, the seasons, our bodies—
our moods, our hopes and fears,
our likes and dislikes—
the people around us,
the stars in the sky,
our language, our deep desires—
And isn’t it a good thing?
Isn’t it a relief to count on change
as the only constant in the universe?
The alternative is to always be stuck.
Which feels better to you?
I’m going with change…
For the longest time
I told myself the same story
that had been told to me as a child:
There is something wrong with you
that needs to be fixed.
Don’t make mistakes.
Don’t make messes.
If others don’t like you
it’s because there is
something wrong with you.
Today I decided to rewrite the story.
It goes like this:
There is nothing wrong with me.
I can make mistakes.
I can make messes.
As long as I like myself
I’ll know true belonging.
If the story you’ve been told
doesn’t bring you joy,
rewrite the story.
a Co-Dependents Anonymous
meeting the last two Thursday evenings.
They recommend you attend 6-8 meetings
before you make a decision.
The first meeting
I saw myself as superior to everyone there.
The second meeting
I realized that I am everyone there.
I wonder what will happen
at the third meeting.
Up at 3am (again)
I found myself panicking about the future.
And so I did some mirror work.
I stood in front of the mirror,
looked into my own eyes,
told myself that I was going to be fine,
that I didn’t need to worry.
I love you Lorien
I said to myself,
I know it hurts right now,
but you’ll get through this, I promise—
and you’ll be stronger on the other side.
It felt kind of goofy at first
but I just trusted and kept
and you know what?
I felt my mood shift,
the panic was gone…
I felt calm enough to sit.
At the very end of my sit,
an affirmation came to me:
I do work that is deeply fulfilling,
that renders great service to humanity,
and which generates fabulous income.
I kept repeating the affirmation
throughout the day,
and felt myself empowering myself
to believe in the world of possibility.
Wide awake in the middle of the night,
head buzzing with the latest fears, doubts and anxieties,
I decided to dive deep into the ocean of myself.
I discovered stories I had told about myself
I saw the ways that I had unconsciously trained
my husband to perpetuate the stories,
and how desperately I was seeking
love, attention and approval
even in the midst of my beliefs of unworthiness.
Wide awake in the middle of the night
I experienced a profound reckoning,
a chance, a choice to stop telling those stories
once and for all,
to witness and know and hold my goodness
in the vast space of my tender heart—
and to see the innocence in all of us.
Five hours passed as I underwent this reckoning.
The next morning I was sleep deprived
and most likely looked like a zombie…
but awakening to the truth at the core of myself
was worth it!
The rains come.
They wash away the dust,
dirt and heat of the day.
They leave a refreshing coolness,
a softness, a pause,
And when my head
feels hot and cluttered
with dusty thoughts
and the dirt of the world,
I sit and go inside myself
and allow the cooling waters
of self-reflection, of meditation,
to give me the softness, the pause,
and the freshness within.
May all beings find their inner solace,
the source of their own healing waters,
and attain liberation
Standing here, looking forward
I can hope, I feel strong,
I know I can make it through this.
I feel angry, I feel hurt,
I feel betrayed,
I am filled with grief.
Standing here, right here
in this present moment,
I am aware of the swirls of thought
and my tendency to look back
and to look forward.
Standing here, opening my eyes,
I see what choices I have.
I sit down.
I close my eyes.
I breathe in and out, slowly.
This moment is all I ever have.
This moment is all I ever need to know.