Category Archives: emotions

Real Relationship

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I find my anger is getting out of hand,
hot, explosive, uncontrollable, painful.
I stop and look inside.
Under the anger is grief.
Under the grief is fear,
the belief that something is wrong with me.
Behind the fear
there is a soft, tender spot,
a vulnerability,
the truth of my innocence.
If I can stay in touch with this innocence in me,
then I can see and honor the innocence in others.
And then real relationship is possible.

Back Home to Joy

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Don’t hide your pain,
especially from yourself.
Pain hidden from yourself
gets blamed on others.
Be brave, warrior,
and look deep inside.
The pain is just another facet
of the deep and abiding joy
that is who you really are.
To experience this deep joy,
you must navigate through
your own pain.
Sit still, breathe,
pay attention to your body—
it has much to tell you.
Breathe a little more,
let it reach deeper into you.
Tune into all of it,
feel all of it,
the grief, the anger, the sadness,
the resentment, the disappointment—
whatever it is, it is showing you the way
back home to your joy.

Please Let There Be a Reason

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Bottomless grief.
Falling further than I thought possible.
Endless tears,
crying over any little thing.
Then the numbness,
the emptiness,
a state of motionless,
all-consuming despair.
Could this experience
be carving into me
greater depth,
a more profound understanding
of the suffering of the world?
Please let there be some reason for this.

The Message Becomes Clear

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The sadness consumes me
and it feels so familiar to be caught like this,
to be caught by anger, by resentment,
by anxiety, by fear, by doubt…
It occurs to me that it doesn’t take
much courage to feel what I’m feeling,
but it does take courage to recognize
what the feelings are here to teach me.
What can I learn from the sadness,
from these shadow emotions
whose presence bring balance
to the more desirable states of
joy, calm, love, confidence?
There is a deeper courage called for here:
to trust that if they’ve shown up,
they have something, some message to convey,
and to be patient and wait
while the message becomes clear.

Rollercoaster

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The rollercoaster of emotions…
One moment
fury, rage,
the next,
sadness, grief
I try to find ground
and discover that nothing is solid.
The world trembles and opens up
beneath my feet.
I fall and keep falling.
Even my dreams speak
of disaster, of dissolution, of death.
And what am I grieving?
It certainly wasn’t love
if it dissipates into a thin veil
and then disappears
as if it were never there.
Am I mourning what I’ve lost
or my projection
of what could have been?

Another Wild Ride

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Feel what you’re feeling, they say
Just give it time
You’ll get through this
You’ll be better off
And I hear them
and I know they mean well…
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking
into tinier and tinier pieces,
into dust
and I feel like a ghost.
I take a walk
Am I even there?
Or am I dead among the living?
I search for the meaning
in all of this suffering
I look inside
I see shock, grief, sadness,
fear, anxiety, anger.
I see hope.
I see hunger for better.
I see a woman strong,
longing for the sweet freedom
waiting on the other side.
Feel what you’re feeling.
Surfing the waves of these wild emotions…
I buckle up for another wild ride.

Meditate First

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Guilt and shame
Rage and frustration
Disappointment and impatience
Hopelessness and despair…
all before 9 am.
I should’ve awakened early
and meditated first.

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It was my daughter’s first day of first grade.  My in-laws were preparing to leave.  The house was in chaos, and what I thought was an innocent request to help with the garbage was somehow interpreted as a tyrannical outburst which mortified and outraged my husband.

I think I need to develop the discipline to get up and meditate first before I speak to anyone–even when I’m tired and am seduced by the idea of meditating at some point mid-morning, after I’ve had my coffee and the number of humans in the house has been reduced to two.  When I sit first, I have a tendency to be more calm, more insightful, more patient, more aware, and this translates into better, smoother interactions with my family.

I’ve known this for a long time, but sometimes I flub up and can’t manage to get up before everyone else.  This is where I need to remind myself that I’m human, and sometimes life is messy.  I can offer myself a good dose of self-compassion and give myself a break for once.

I’ll try to wake up earlier tomorrow and see what happens.