Category Archives: relationships

I Hope They’re Right

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I wonder…
do you miss the familiarity of my presence?
Did you question your choice today
as you sat down at a table
and your family wasn’t there?
I sat at my cousin’s table
the way you and I had done
for the past seven years…
but you weren’t there today.
I missed your presence,
your laughter, your warmth,
the way we’d snuggle on the couch
and fall asleep after the big meal.
I felt low, lonely, alone,
in my own world, my own universe.
I know it was in my mind
but sometimes the saddest stories
are the most convincing.
They tell me this will get easier over time.
I sure hope they’re right.

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Unavailable

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A knock on my bedroom door.
I opened it a crack.
Are you available to talk, he asked?
It was late, I was tired,
and I was pretty sure
he wanted to convince me
to take his point of view on something
with which I wholeheartedly disagreed.
Are you available to talk?
No, I said, and shut the door.
No explanation.
I just shut the door.
And it was so satisfying!
After eight years of attempts
at real connection,
of trying to get him to articulate
his true feelings
and receiving criticism
for everything I am
and everything I do,
he has forfeited any right
to be in my presence
when I don’t want him there.
Tonight I was unavailable,
and damn it felt good.

It Was Worth It!

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Wide awake in the middle of the night,
head buzzing with the latest fears, doubts and anxieties,
I decided to dive deep into the ocean of myself.
I discovered stories I had told about myself
since childhood.
I saw the ways that I had unconsciously trained
my husband to perpetuate the stories,
and how desperately I was seeking
love, attention and approval
even in the midst of my beliefs of unworthiness.
Wide awake in the middle of the night
I experienced a profound reckoning,
a chance, a choice to stop telling those stories
once and for all,
to witness and know and hold my goodness
in the vast space of my tender heart—
and to see the innocence in all of us.
Five hours passed as I underwent this reckoning.
The next morning I was sleep deprived
and most likely looked like a zombie…
but awakening to the truth at the core of myself
was worth it!

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Letting Go

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This push-pull of existence,
like the rise and fall of the waves
the transition of summer into fall
how the moon makes way for the sun
how the stars fade at dawn
how what I once thought was love
turns out to be another story.
And what is the moral here?
Holding on to something past its time hurts,
but only one hundred percent of the time.
Sometimes the only answer is letting go.

Real Relationship

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I find my anger is getting out of hand,
hot, explosive, uncontrollable, painful.
I stop and look inside.
Under the anger is grief.
Under the grief is fear,
the belief that something is wrong with me.
Behind the fear
there is a soft, tender spot,
a vulnerability,
the truth of my innocence.
If I can stay in touch with this innocence in me,
then I can see and honor the innocence in others.
And then real relationship is possible.

Love and Bruises

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This tender heart
has been through enough
But Life says,
Nah. Get back in there.
You still have some time
left in the ring.
Since when did love become
a dance of two fighters
dodging one another’s blows,
finding a delicate balance,
waiting to see who will be knocked down
and who will be victorious–
both covered in bruises?