I awaken with new hope.
I feel grateful for simple things:
the sunlight spilling into my room,
the fact that I can eat, drink and be warm
in this home.
I realize that things are never as bad
as my mind would have me believe.
Oh my mind,
could you relax?
Could you just be for one moment?
I can accept you too, my mind,
in all of your neurotic obsessions,
I can still love you.
Maybe this is why
I awaken with new hope.
I realize that everything I am
is welcome, is free, is loved.
And now I can see the world
with these eyes of hope
and this life that is very, very good.
There is a rhythm to life,
to the rising and setting of the sun
and the cresting and the crashing of the wave,
there is a rhythm.
Could I let go inside the pulse of the Universe?
Could I trust this cosmic rhythm
of coming and going,
of wholeness and disintegration?
How might I show up inside this moment
as I embrace the fullness and the emptiness,
as I let go in order to receive?
The only thing I could ever lose
is the ego that only knows to resist what is.
As I turn to face reality
and I allow the resistance to melt,
the whole world opens up before me.
I think I’ll choose
the path of least resistance.
My mind asks
When will this be over?
I am filled with anxiety
and there is no apparent end
Then Spirit gently reminds me
This isn’t being done to you
this is being done for you
Grief, then joy.
Exhaustion, then motivation.
Emptiness, then fulfillment.
For so long I thought the goal
was never-ending bliss.
Then I grew up (a little).
Now I see that to be fully human
means to experience
the full range of human emotions.
Each one has a story to tell,
a lesson to impart.
And we are meant to learn
our whole lives.
We will never be done.
When you are stuck
in doubt and fear
don’t stay there!
Take a deep breath
and reach out to your teachers.
You have them,
Reach out to the ones
who remind you who you really are,
the ones who hold you in the space
of lovingkindness, acceptance, compassion.
If you can’t think of anyone
who can do that for you right now,
then it’s time to do it for yourself.
Reach in to the teacher inside,
the one who remembers
that you have a purpose to live out
in this world of changing weather.
Reach in to the one
who knows how to breathe deeply,
to the one who gives you permission
to be exactly who you are right now,
and who knows how worthy you are
of loving and being loved.
Whether we reach out or we reach in
we will find rest and peace
in the space
of silent, clear awareness.
He is gone again on a Saturday night.
I stopped asking long ago where he goes.
And I suppose
he let this marriage go
but not I.
I still wake up at night
forgetting this has happened.
I committed for life.
How do you uncommit?
How do you rescind your sacred vows,
When I stated mine, I meant them.
I saw us growing old together.
And each time I heard of a couple
going through a separation,
I spoke to him and told him
how grateful I was for our union.
I knew he was unhappy,
but I thought it was just temporary.
I tried to help him.
But he just blamed me.
He left the kids in front of the TV for hours
while I taught yoga today,
and upon my return he left.
Has he met someone else?
Is he with friends?
Will he ever be my friend again?
In time my heart will heal,
but right now it feels so real,
this grief, this pain
from a loss so profound
words cannot touch
this deep dark ground
I’ve fallen on.
It changes quickly.
(It always does.)
A good night of sleep
or a solid meal
and the demons
that seemed so ferocious
dissipate back into wisps of ether,
and I’m left wondering
what I got so worked up about.
And so it goes,
the cyclical nature
of weather and emotions
and time and libidos…
and all I can do
is try to slow down
my own thinking
take a deep breath,
all is well.
I have found that my journals help to reveal the cyclical nature of things. They have been a source of great comfort to me, as I see that the struggles I’m having now are the same ones I had when I was 20. Different characters, different contexts, but same feelings: fear, anxiety, depression, powerlessness, loneliness, transmuted into courage, confidence, joy, empowerment, connection. Cycling endlessly, for all time.