I curl inside myself
than I ever have before.
It is dark, uncomfortable,
far away from everyone.
It should feel safe
but it doesn’t.
This isn’t a fearless navigation
of unknown territory…
it’s staying stuck in one place,
I can’t remember
why I’m so scared
or what got me here
in the first place.
I’d like to get out
if only I’d let myself go.
a balance of the dark and light
the tipping point
for turning inwards
and letting go.
I practice releasing
as willingly as the trees
let fly their leaves
to make way
for the long winter.
I ask for a revelation from spirit:
Who am I really?
What do I want?
What do I need?
I look at nature
and I look again,
taking her cue to heart.
that after so much darkness
the only answer is light.
In a downward spiral,
feeling unloved, unseen,
And this is all a sign
that I have abandoned myself,
that I need to turn toward myself,
and find out what core wound
I’m believing right now.
But it’s so goddamned much work,
and I feel tired to the bone.
No one ever told me
that it would be this painful
to awaken, evolve, and overcome.
I long so deeply for resolution;
there is none in sight.
It’s only me here
with my two children, hungry, bickering,
as real life just keeps going on.
The pull of the shadow emotions
is very strong, as if I were chained
to boulders and thrown overboard
into the ocean,
trying to keep from being pulled under,
struggling to catch my breath,
so much thrashing about,
fighting for survival.
And then it occurs to me,
what if I let myself get pulled under?
What is down there?
Maybe once I’m pulled under
someone familiar with the depths
shows up with a key
and unlocks the chains from around me,
sets me free.
Maybe I discover I’m holding the key,
and I can find freedom even as I sink,
holding my breath, keeping my wits about me,
finding lightness, swimming back up
to breathe the breath of life.
Maybe I die in those depths.
Maybe I am reborn
some shimmering creature of the land and sea,
able to navigate both worlds.
I can’t know what waits for me
if I keep struggling at the surface.
Maybe I’ll let myself be pulled under.
recipe for dark imaginings.
Should I go to sleep
before I cook any up?
The kids have been asleep for some time now
and I finally have some quiet…
I could write, I could sew,
I could draw, I could knit—
but what good is creative space
when you have no energy to create?
Balance seems like a fantasy
when every day ends with such fatigue.
After a while, hope runs thin,
and thoughts of morning
bring no solace.
Ah, it’s getting darker by the minute.
Maybe I should’ve gone to sleep
before I wrote this.
Not like my usual poems that include at least a few warm fuzzy bits..but oh well…this is how I feel, and I’m keeping it real.
Sometimes I think
I must be going through this
so that I can truly understand
someone else who is going through this…
especially when I can’t think of one good reason
to feel this way for as long I have have felt this way…
like a heavy sad blanket was thrown over me,
and it’s so large
I can’t find my way out from underneath it,
like the darkness within me
has consumed the light,
like my efforts are for nought,
like there must be something wrong with me,
because why else would this be happening,
like I could somehow choose to feel different
and yet I just don’t know how–
there must be some reason I feel this way…
Could it be that life is preparing me
to understand completely
some other being who feels this way?
Fall arrives on a whisper of wind
Suddenly, it is dark again
earlier in the evening
and later in the morning
and I have that wistful feeling
reminding me I’ll be letting go
of light and warmth…again.
The in-turning begins.
In truth, though,
it began at the turn of the solstice,
but summer is too bright to notice
how the light recedes ever so subtly,
until, until it is gone from me
and all I have is the memory
of sunlight and bright days and bare feet.
I made a commitment
to reframe my vision–
to no longer call it adversity,
now it is opportunity.
Now is the time to reach deeper still
and remember what lies within.
To embrace the in-turning
and the treasures that await
while my watching eyes fixate
on the breezy summer skies.
This letting go is good for me.
This going inwards is an opportunity.
I won’t fight the fading of the light,
not this time…
I’m ready now.
Come on darkness.
Bring it on.