And just like that,
my mood plummets.
Maybe it was the dream I had last night,
the dream where his friends
(who used to be my friends too)
were throwing drinks at me,
telling me to shut up and leave.
I woke up full of fresh grief
and a heaping new dose of betrayal…
and I couldn’t shake it.
Maybe it’s because of that dream
that I felt so withdrawn today.
I guess he noticed.
He felt a need to text me
and tell me how important it is
to “keep the lines of communication open.”
He told me I was being horrible, nasty,
that I was choosing to be like this,
that I could be more decent.
After reading all those admonishments,
I didn’t feel open to more communication.
I still don’t.
Why should I be?
Tired and low again today.
My fear is that this state
becomes my normal state,
that I cease to have hope,
that my resolve to change
crashes and burns.
I remember suddenly
that the solstice is in one week.
These are the darkest days of the year.
May I remember the inner light
as the world grows darker
and the nights longer.
darkness taking over…
I’m afraid to ask if this could get worse;
I don’t think I could bear it if it did.
Hating this part of me that is so sad.
Angry at life.
Angry at everything, everyone,
but most of all angry at my Self
for somehow allowing this to happen.
Did I have a choice?
What could I have done differently to avoid this?
Could this have been avoided?
Please god, help.
I can’t see the light anymore
and I’m scared.
I’m too depressed to sit at my computer,
so here I am on my phone.
I’m tired, lonely, feeling sick,
questioning my will to live.
It is a dark time.
I go through a mental list of people I know
wondering who might be able to talk,
and then I write everyone off:
They haven’t been there
I told them what I was going through
and they distanced themselves.
They wouldn’t want to hear
about my life anyway.
So I feel utterly isolated
in the cold, dark and lonely
wishing I could die.
My children are playing
in the other room.
The truth is
I hate myself and my life right now
and it feels like it will always be this way.
I’m standing on a ledge in my mind,
about to jump.
In a downward spiral,
feeling unloved, unseen,
And this is all a sign
that I have abandoned myself,
that I need to turn toward myself,
and find out what core wound
I’m believing right now.
But it’s so goddamned much work,
and I feel tired to the bone.
No one ever told me
that it would be this painful
to awaken, evolve, and overcome.
I long so deeply for resolution;
there is none in sight.
It’s only me here
with my two children, hungry, bickering,
as real life just keeps going on.
The pull of the shadow emotions
is very strong, as if I were chained
to boulders and thrown overboard
into the ocean,
trying to keep from being pulled under,
struggling to catch my breath,
so much thrashing about,
fighting for survival.
And then it occurs to me,
what if I let myself get pulled under?
What is down there?
Maybe once I’m pulled under
someone familiar with the depths
shows up with a key
and unlocks the chains from around me,
sets me free.
Maybe I discover I’m holding the key,
and I can find freedom even as I sink,
holding my breath, keeping my wits about me,
finding lightness, swimming back up
to breathe the breath of life.
Maybe I die in those depths.
Maybe I am reborn
some shimmering creature of the land and sea,
able to navigate both worlds.
I can’t know what waits for me
if I keep struggling at the surface.
Maybe I’ll let myself be pulled under.
Feel what you’re feeling, they say
Just give it time
You’ll get through this
You’ll be better off
And I hear them
and I know they mean well…
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking
into tinier and tinier pieces,
and I feel like a ghost.
I take a walk
Am I even there?
Or am I dead among the living?
I search for the meaning
in all of this suffering
I look inside
I see shock, grief, sadness,
fear, anxiety, anger.
I see hope.
I see hunger for better.
I see a woman strong,
longing for the sweet freedom
waiting on the other side.
Feel what you’re feeling.
Surfing the waves of these wild emotions…
I buckle up for another wild ride.