Tag Archives: depression

About to Jump

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I’m too depressed to sit at my computer,
so here I am on my phone.
I’m tired, lonely, feeling sick,
questioning my will to live.
It is a dark time.
I go through a mental list of people I know
wondering who might be able to talk,
and then I write everyone off:
Too busy
They haven’t been there
I told them what I was going through
and they distanced themselves.
They wouldn’t want to hear
about my life anyway.

So I feel utterly isolated
in the cold, dark and lonely
wishing I could die.
Meanwhile
My children are playing
in the other room.
The truth is
I hate myself and my life right now
and it feels like it will always be this way.
I’m standing on a ledge in my mind,
about to jump.

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Real Life Keeps Going On

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In a downward spiral,
feeling awful,
feeling unloved, unseen,
unheard.
And this is all a sign
that I have abandoned myself,
that I need to turn toward myself,
and find out what core wound
I’m believing right now.
But it’s so goddamned much work,
and I feel tired to the bone.
No one ever told me
that it would be this painful
to awaken, evolve, and overcome.
I long so deeply for resolution;
there is none in sight.
It’s only me here
with my two children, hungry, bickering,
as real life just keeps going on.

Pulled Under

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The pull of the shadow emotions
is very strong, as if I were chained
to boulders and thrown overboard
into the ocean,
trying to keep from being pulled under,
struggling to catch my breath,
so much thrashing about,
fighting for survival.
And then it occurs to me,
what if I let myself get pulled under?
What is down there?
Maybe once I’m pulled under
someone familiar with the depths
shows up with a key
and unlocks the chains from around me,
sets me free.
Maybe I discover I’m holding the key,
and I can find freedom even as I sink,
holding my breath, keeping my wits about me,
finding lightness, swimming back up
to breathe the breath of life.
Maybe I die in those depths.
Maybe I am reborn
some shimmering creature of the land and sea,
able to navigate both worlds.
I can’t know what waits for me
if I keep struggling at the surface.
Maybe I’ll let myself be pulled under.

Another Wild Ride

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Feel what you’re feeling, they say
Just give it time
You’ll get through this
You’ll be better off
And I hear them
and I know they mean well…
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking
into tinier and tinier pieces,
into dust
and I feel like a ghost.
I take a walk
Am I even there?
Or am I dead among the living?
I search for the meaning
in all of this suffering
I look inside
I see shock, grief, sadness,
fear, anxiety, anger.
I see hope.
I see hunger for better.
I see a woman strong,
longing for the sweet freedom
waiting on the other side.
Feel what you’re feeling.
Surfing the waves of these wild emotions…
I buckle up for another wild ride.

I Must Be Human

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Just when I thought
I had fallen as far as I could,
the ground opens up
and I start falling again.
Just when I thought
I felt as much joy,
peace, and fulfillment
as I humanly could,
my heart opens up
and reveals a deeper,
wider possibility for bliss.
Who I am, bouncing
from one extreme to the other
so quickly my head whirls?
I must be human.

That’s Better

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Oh weary traveler,
when the road of Life
has you exhausted
and you think
you can’t take another step,
there is a refuge for you,
a place you can go
where there is always room for you,
a sanctuary where you will be
greeted with open arms
and the warmest hospitality.
The refuge is your own heart.
The sanctuary is the inexhaustible
well of peace found within the purest,
most sacred chamber of your heart.
Enter the refuge, weary one,
Find the sanctuary.
Come and sit a while.
Close your eyes.
Be still.
There now, that’s better.

Evening Sit

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Lost, alone,
in a sea of my own thinking,
the turbulent waters over my head
I might drown.
The only thing that will get me out
is the same thing that got me in–
my mind and the stories it tells.
I sit, even though it feels useless,
a sham, futile, heavy.
I sit, and my mind continues
to churn with its turbulent thoughts.
I hear cars out on the wet roads
and the sound of my husband breathing.
Life goes on.