Tag Archives: emotions

Back Home to Joy

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Don’t hide your pain,
especially from yourself.
Pain hidden from yourself
gets blamed on others.
Be brave, warrior,
and look deep inside.
The pain is just another facet
of the deep and abiding joy
that is who you really are.
To experience this deep joy,
you must navigate through
your own pain.
Sit still, breathe,
pay attention to your body—
it has much to tell you.
Breathe a little more,
let it reach deeper into you.
Tune into all of it,
feel all of it,
the grief, the anger, the sadness,
the resentment, the disappointment—
whatever it is, it is showing you the way
back home to your joy.

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The One to Blame

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In a difficult situation
I keep searching
for the one who is to blame.
I grapple with anger, grief,
resentment, and every little
shame, malice, and enmity
until I’ve worked myself
into a prison of self-pity.
I look around.
There is no door,
no lock, no key.
There is only a mirror.
I take a deep breath,
open my eyes wider,
look hard at the reflection
and discover the one
who caused all this is ME.

Another Wild Ride

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Feel what you’re feeling, they say
Just give it time
You’ll get through this
You’ll be better off
And I hear them
and I know they mean well…
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking
into tinier and tinier pieces,
into dust
and I feel like a ghost.
I take a walk
Am I even there?
Or am I dead among the living?
I search for the meaning
in all of this suffering
I look inside
I see shock, grief, sadness,
fear, anxiety, anger.
I see hope.
I see hunger for better.
I see a woman strong,
longing for the sweet freedom
waiting on the other side.
Feel what you’re feeling.
Surfing the waves of these wild emotions…
I buckle up for another wild ride.

Really Listen

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And then there comes a time
in our healing process
where there is nothing else to be done
except be still, feel, wait.
We can spend so much time
trying to make the painful feelings go away,
but they are there for a reason.
Our feelings speak to us
through the sensations in our body.
If we would learn from them
we must get still and listen…
really listen.

Writing My Own Story

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Reading a book to my daughter,
a children’s story
beginning with the Irish Potato Famine
and a boy’s journey to the US…
and ending with a young girl
seven generations later,
being told by her grandfather
that the story will live
as long as someone is telling it…
My voice quavers, and I
just can’t keep reading
without that tremor of emotion
in my voice,
tears  bubbling up
to the surface.
My daughter looks at me, questioning.
I tell her,
“It’s so good, it’s making me cry.”
And I’m looking into her eyes,
doing this laugh-cry.
And she doesn’t know what to do,
so she laughs and keeps looking at me.
And I think about how we’ve been told
that showing emotions is weak.
And I think, No…this is not weak.
It would be weak to pretend
I’m not feeling something,
that my heart has not been touched
by this sweet story,
weak to cover up what I’m feeling
because I’m too afraid to be vulnerable
in front of my six year old daughter.
I was strong…
I made it through to the end,
laughing, crying,
glad to be myself,
glad to share this moment
with my daughter–
feeling freely,
writing my own story.

Reflections at the End of the Day

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After a year and five months of living in our new home, I finally got around to finding a doctor who lives in the area.  I saw her today and ended up talking to her about my moods and how much anger I deal with, especially toward the end of my cycles. It’s humbling to have to admit that I need help dealing with something I thought I could handle on my own.  And I get caught up in the thinking that I’ve done so much work with my meditation, journaling, and seeing my therapist that surely I should be better by now.

It’s painful to admit that I scored very low on a life satisfaction survey even though many of the components necessary for a  happy life are already present in mine.  I have a family that I love and who loves me, work that is deeply fulfilling, and many interests that keep me wanting to learn and explore life.  What is wrong?  What is keeping me from expressing the highest version of myself?

These questions have no answers. They are an invitation to relax into this reality and to cultivate compassion for the one in me who needs gentleness and understanding.

Just Feel

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How do you move speech
through the emotion
when it takes over your body
and you can feel strong waves
of this raw energy
behind the benign words
that may or may not
induce understanding
in those outside of us?
At times like these,
only tears would relieve
some of this pressure,
but what to do
when crying isn’t appropriate?
or more precisely–
what to do when the fear
of the tears’ release looms large
On the horizon of communication?
Rather than worry about how they’ll be received–
Hold back…somehow.
The words come out
forced, too much power
for the meaning they carry
and it alarms those listening…
The vehemence of this emotional power
jolts and wakes those who were snoozing;
they sit up and pay attention,
they lean in, more alert.
Am I responsible for your understanding?
I cannot make you do anything.
Words are so sloppy
when it comes to these ageless, timeless
ubiquitous, uncontrollable, enigmatic
human feelings.
Maybe, instead of trying to process,
compartmentalize, analyze,
compare, contrast, and verbalize,
maybe, I could be crazy and just…
feel?
Maybe, just maybe,
feelings are for feeling.