Tag Archives: fear

Which Voice?

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I start to feel like I’m slipping.
Is it because I’m so tired?
Have I done too much today?
But wait,
am I not here
to help others?
I should be doing more.
But I’m not feeling so great.
I’m tired.
I don’t want to do anything
for anyone.
Stop being selfish.
But I need to put on
my oxygen mask
first.
Stop being so self-absorbed.
I’m feeling lonely.
I don’t want to do this.
Stop whining. Buck up.

Get back to work.
But I’m tired.
So many voices in my head.
Which one is telling
the truth?

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You Can’t Scare Me

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Go ahead,
sell the house.
Go ahead,
change the Wifi password.
Go ahead,
tell me that you think
I’m mentally ill.
It’s fine.
You can’t scare me.
And maybe that’s why
you’re pushing so hard—
you know deep inside
that this is about your fear,
not mine.
When you wake up
from this nightmare
and you’re ready to relate to me
as an adult,
I’ll be ready.
Until then,
get your mommy,
get your blankie,
get your warm milk,
and go fuck yourself.

 

*******
Wrote this directly after having another unsatisfactory conversation with the man I married eight years ago, who informed me he wanted a divorce in July, who still lives in the house with us, and who is threatening to sell the house, saying, “There’s nothing you can do about it.”  I’m not in the best mood right now, but I’m not scared.

Please God, Help

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Unraveling.
darkness taking over…
no energy,
no will.
Lost.
Alone.
Hopeless.
I’m afraid to ask if this could get worse;
I don’t think I could bear it if it did.
Weak.
Hating this part of me that is so sad.
Angry.
Angry at life.
Angry at everything, everyone,
but most of all angry at my Self
for somehow allowing this to happen.
Did I have a choice?
What could I have done differently to avoid this?
Could this have been avoided?
Please god, help.
I can’t see the light anymore
and I’m scared.

Never Before

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The Piano at 2:25 and at 3:00…

I’m standing at the edge
of my consciousness
delicately balanced,
peering over into the great abyss of space,
not sure whether I should be
scared as hell or ecstatic.
I can’t believe I’m here
and how lonely and excited I feel
all at once.

I shout out into the void
Why is there no map?
A voice answers
Because no one else has ever been here
before.

 

I Should Have Chosen Silence

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You’d think after all this time
I’d have the sanity
to decline
important conversations
after he’s had too much wine.
But my ego was bruised
and I guess my mind confused
which course of action
would lead to resolution
and which to more confusion.
When my fear speaks louder
than the quiet wisdom within
it’s time to shut my mouth
and retreat far away
from the din of those
who know not
that silence is an option.

Suddenly I Remember

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I keep thinking
I’m not doing enough.
I should be go-getting,
job-hunting, interviewing
CV revising, buckling down,
buttoning up,
preparing myself
for the world of work.
My heart sinks to think
of losing time with my kids,
of giving my time to something
that saps my energy
to have the funds
to make ends meet.
I get caught up
in a whirlwind of thoughts.
I pray to God.
God says, BREATHE.
Suddenly I remember
panicky thoughts
never got me anywhere.
Suddenly I remember
It’s going to be okay.

Accountable For Presence

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Reality check.
I begin to discover
to what degree I’m still waiting
for the rest of my life to begin.
Once he moves out
and the separation begins…
Once I have a steady income
and I don’t need his help…
Once my heart heals from the loss…
Once I start to believe in myself…
Once I am able to live a more creative,
a more joyful, a more liberated existence…

And I sit here, wondering how long
I will defer my happiness
waiting for something besides
what I already have
in this one moment.
I look for the wisdom
in loving what is.
I search for the courage necessary
to hold myself accountable
for such presence.