Tag Archives: grief

Wholly Dazed

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Don’t get me wrong,
it’s not that I hate Christmas…
It’s just that it is dead to me now.
The lights, the trees, the carols,
stepping into the home
of my son’s kindergarten friend,
seeing their happy Christmas
taking shape in their happy home,
and inwardly bemoaning
the shapelessness of my Christmas,
now that it’s dead.
Disintegration.
A marriage, a holiday, a life,
all falling apart.
Dead things decay;
particles break down
and return to the earth.
New life springs up
and eases the memory of death.
Will this happen for me?
Can I hope for this much?

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Deeper Initiation

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The world is closing in
and my feelings overwhelm me;
there is no escape.
Wisdom speaks.
It says:
When it appears
that there is no direction to turn,
it is time to turn within.
Can I tease apart
the many layers of my grief?
Can I find the slivers of light
that make their way in
when I reach for the spaces
between the darkest thoughts?
I never knew it would be this hard.
I wonder who’ll I be
on the other end.
Someone suggested
that this is an initiation of sorts.
Initiation into what?
I know sadness, loneliness,
depression and grief too well.
Is this a deeper initiation,
a chance to crack the code
of existence itself?

Shining For You

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What begins as a sad, sober moment
ends as a hearty celebration,
and the things we thought we lost
have just taken another form.
Why grieve, then?
If nothing is lost
why are we searching?
Each question is a little twinkling star
in the grandest night sky of silent knowing.
Keep asking
and maybe you will see
all the lights are shining
for you.

I Hope They’re Right

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I wonder…
do you miss the familiarity of my presence?
Did you question your choice today
as you sat down at a table
and your family wasn’t there?
I sat at my cousin’s table
the way you and I had done
for the past seven years…
but you weren’t there today.
I missed your presence,
your laughter, your warmth,
the way we’d snuggle on the couch
and fall asleep after the big meal.
I felt low, lonely, alone,
in my own world, my own universe.
I know it was in my mind
but sometimes the saddest stories
are the most convincing.
They tell me this will get easier over time.
I sure hope they’re right.

About to Jump

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I’m too depressed to sit at my computer,
so here I am on my phone.
I’m tired, lonely, feeling sick,
questioning my will to live.
It is a dark time.
I go through a mental list of people I know
wondering who might be able to talk,
and then I write everyone off:
Too busy
They haven’t been there
I told them what I was going through
and they distanced themselves.
They wouldn’t want to hear
about my life anyway.

So I feel utterly isolated
in the cold, dark and lonely
wishing I could die.
Meanwhile
My children are playing
in the other room.
The truth is
I hate myself and my life right now
and it feels like it will always be this way.
I’m standing on a ledge in my mind,
about to jump.

Accountable For Presence

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Reality check.
I begin to discover
to what degree I’m still waiting
for the rest of my life to begin.
Once he moves out
and the separation begins…
Once I have a steady income
and I don’t need his help…
Once my heart heals from the loss…
Once I start to believe in myself…
Once I am able to live a more creative,
a more joyful, a more liberated existence…

And I sit here, wondering how long
I will defer my happiness
waiting for something besides
what I already have
in this one moment.
I look for the wisdom
in loving what is.
I search for the courage necessary
to hold myself accountable
for such presence.

Before The Dream

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Something is slipping away.
Is it the love I once felt,
or is it the illusion of love
making way for a new truth?
I see him and I’m still grieving,
but something new is there;
a hope, a wish, a desire
for a better life,
a bigger adventure,
a time when I can be held
by someone who loves
without the need to keep tabs.
Back in this room,
back in this house,
our house,
I wonder how much more life I’ll live
before the dream becomes reality.