Tag Archives: grief

Before The Dream

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Something is slipping away.
Is it the love I once felt,
or is it the illusion of love
making way for a new truth?
I see him and I’m still grieving,
but something new is there;
a hope, a wish, a desire
for a better life,
a bigger adventure,
a time when I can be held
by someone who loves
without the need to keep tabs.
Back in this room,
back in this house,
our house,
I wonder how much more life I’ll live
before the dream becomes reality.

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Live Through It

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Just when I thought I had found
some steady, even ground
I discover that I’ve fallen
into another abyss,
this one deeper than all the others.
There is no end to the sorrow,
no end to the feelings of inadequacy,
the belief that I wasn’t good enough
and this is why he left.
I try so hard to make myself believe
that this will get better.
I reach out to friends.
They say,
Sorry you’re going through this.
It doesn’t help.
I discover that no one can take this pain away.
I guess I just have to live through it somehow.

Time and Space

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Claiming time and space
for this self that wants to emerge
like a butterfly from a chrysalis
even though it doesn’t feel safe,
even though it feels like someone
will smack the chrysalis to the pavement
and stomp on it…
Claiming time and space
for this heart that is unbroken,
even when pieces of it
are scattered everywhere,
believing that there are parts
that remain whole,
searching for those…
Claiming time and space
for the child within,
the one who is innocent,
who didn’t choose any of this,
who tantrums, who says,
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
Taking that child, holding it close,
allowing the healing to take place
in time and space.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Open to Receiving

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Don’t be afraid if you are asked to let go
of someone you presently hold dear to your heart.
Do you grieve the setting sun
knowing that it will rise again at day break?
Do you mourn the loss of summer
as autumn leaves begin to fall?
Do you regret the waves flowing their way
back to the ocean
even though in the next instant
they crash again upon the shore?
Everything in this life
has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Letting go gracefully
makes the space to receive
the many delights life wants to bring you
if only you are open to receiving them.

Please Let There Be a Reason

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Bottomless grief.
Falling further than I thought possible.
Endless tears,
crying over any little thing.
Then the numbness,
the emptiness,
a state of motionless,
all-consuming despair.
Could this experience
be carving into me
greater depth,
a more profound understanding
of the suffering of the world?
Please let there be some reason for this.

Rollercoaster

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The rollercoaster of emotions…
One moment
fury, rage,
the next,
sadness, grief
I try to find ground
and discover that nothing is solid.
The world trembles and opens up
beneath my feet.
I fall and keep falling.
Even my dreams speak
of disaster, of dissolution, of death.
And what am I grieving?
It certainly wasn’t love
if it dissipates into a thin veil
and then disappears
as if it were never there.
Am I mourning what I’ve lost
or my projection
of what could have been?