I awoke this morning
with hope in my heart
and God must have wanted me to meditate
because I was awakened early enough
to sit uninterrupted.
I taught 45 people metta* today
and I am grateful
to have been graced by my teachers
in order to transmit the teaching.
I am a channel of the good medicine
that wants to come through
the vessel of my being.
It brings the deepest joy to my heart
to deliver what will help and heal.
After all these years I’ve learned
that the most beautiful things happen
when I relinquish control.
Therefore I commit to setting aside
the petty protestations of my lesser self
and dissolving into the profound wisdom
of what lies beyond my understanding.
Today, with hope in my heart,
I am excited for what is to come.
I think I might be healing.
My heart doesn’t feel so broken today.
Is this an illusion,
or am I finally seeing reality?
I get to choose, don’t I?
For the last eight months
grief, rage, sadness and loss
have been my constant companions.
Today I proclaimed I wanted a divorce from them.
What future feelings do I want to experience?
Who’s with me?
I was falling, falling
into deep despair,
deeper than I knew was possible.
I prayed to God,
I’m tired of feeling this way
and I want it to stop.
The funny part about Grace
is that it doesn’t always work
on my timeline.
It isn’t linear at all.
It comes when I least expect it.
All of these months of feeling lonely
carved a deep hole in my heart.
At first I thought this was terrible,
but now I know it was
an important initiation
to receive the love
that wanted to pour in.
After months of silence,
and in my darkest moment,
friends reached out to me,
and I reached into me;
I saw my worthiness
and my readiness to be loved.
Now my heart is full.
I was falling, falling,
but today I was caught
in the arms
of boundless Grace.
Wide awake in the middle of the night,
head buzzing with the latest fears, doubts and anxieties,
I decided to dive deep into the ocean of myself.
I discovered stories I had told about myself
I saw the ways that I had unconsciously trained
my husband to perpetuate the stories,
and how desperately I was seeking
love, attention and approval
even in the midst of my beliefs of unworthiness.
Wide awake in the middle of the night
I experienced a profound reckoning,
a chance, a choice to stop telling those stories
once and for all,
to witness and know and hold my goodness
in the vast space of my tender heart—
and to see the innocence in all of us.
Five hours passed as I underwent this reckoning.
The next morning I was sleep deprived
and most likely looked like a zombie…
but awakening to the truth at the core of myself
was worth it!
If you’re not deliberately staying open,
you are probably shutting down.
Sure, you might feel safer
hiding your light from the world,
but did you come here to live
in the darkness of your comfort bubble?
Just beyond the edges of that bubble,
your amazing potential awaits,
potential only you can fulfill.
Start by being open to the possibility
that you could stay open
and move on from there.
Take deep breaths.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable
you’ve reached the edge of your comfort zone
and now real growth can take place.
Take a stand for your open mind,
your open heart, your boundless spirit.
Live from your deepest truth,
express the soul fire that burns within you,
and as the changes come,
This tender heart
has been through enough
But Life says,
Nah. Get back in there.
You still have some time
left in the ring.
Since when did love become
a dance of two fighters
dodging one another’s blows,
finding a delicate balance,
waiting to see who will be knocked down
and who will be victorious–
both covered in bruises?
What are you searching for?
What are you hoping to find?
What do you think will make you happy?
Just stop, close your eyes, sit still.
Take a deep breath.
Everything you always wanted
is where it has always been,
where it always will be–
right here within you,
inside the most sacred
chamber of your achingly
beautiful, tender heart.