Tag Archives: hope

Before The Dream

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Something is slipping away.
Is it the love I once felt,
or is it the illusion of love
making way for a new truth?
I see him and I’m still grieving,
but something new is there;
a hope, a wish, a desire
for a better life,
a bigger adventure,
a time when I can be held
by someone who loves
without the need to keep tabs.
Back in this room,
back in this house,
our house,
I wonder how much more life I’ll live
before the dream becomes reality.

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I’m Okay

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I show up here again
and I don’t know what to say.
Why should I say anything at all?
I’m tired, sleep deprived,
wondering if my son
will wake me up again
in the middle of the night
as he has done every night this week.
I seek solace everywhere but inside myself,
but this is where the solace rests.
Maybe if I were to just stop,
take a deep breath,
close my eyes and go inside,
I’d find that it’s okay
to not say anything,
it’s okay to be sleep-deprived,
and it’s okay
to seek solace outside of myself…
And then I might laugh,
because it’s the voice within me
that just gave me the solace I was seeking,
that told me I’m okay.

The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

Open to Receiving

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Don’t be afraid if you are asked to let go
of someone you presently hold dear to your heart.
Do you grieve the setting sun
knowing that it will rise again at day break?
Do you mourn the loss of summer
as autumn leaves begin to fall?
Do you regret the waves flowing their way
back to the ocean
even though in the next instant
they crash again upon the shore?
Everything in this life
has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Letting go gracefully
makes the space to receive
the many delights life wants to bring you
if only you are open to receiving them.

Another Wild Ride

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Feel what you’re feeling, they say
Just give it time
You’ll get through this
You’ll be better off
And I hear them
and I know they mean well…
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking
into tinier and tinier pieces,
into dust
and I feel like a ghost.
I take a walk
Am I even there?
Or am I dead among the living?
I search for the meaning
in all of this suffering
I look inside
I see shock, grief, sadness,
fear, anxiety, anger.
I see hope.
I see hunger for better.
I see a woman strong,
longing for the sweet freedom
waiting on the other side.
Feel what you’re feeling.
Surfing the waves of these wild emotions…
I buckle up for another wild ride.

What Was Next

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I wanted to learn about surrender
so life gave me some challenges
to see if I was serious.
And these weren’t the sorts of challenges
where effort, reason, persistence and a plan
would bear fruit,
no, these were challenges that showed me
that I have absolutely no control
over anything at all
except for the way I relate to my experience.
Was I going to fight to hold on
to old constructs, to stay in the same place,
to be seduced by familiarity,
even though it was hurting me?
Or could I let everything go,
and watch my empty hands
open and ready to receive
what was next?

May I Choose Wisely

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The depression and the despair
creep up and try to settle in;
I know them well
and I know where this is going.
It occurs to me to not go there,
not this time.
This time, I tell myself,
I’ll remember that I can choose.
I am not the screen,
nor the images projected upon it,
neither am I the projector–
I am the one who stands behind it,
watching the movie being played.
I am the one who chooses the reels.
I can choose a beautiful story,
a joyful, delightful, healing story.
Meditation gives me this choice.
Let me remember who I really am.
I am not this sad story
of grief and loss, not this time.
This time I am strength,
resilience, freedom, forgiveness.
I am creativity, inspiration,
sensuousness, sacredness.
May I remember my power.
May I choose wisely.