I realized that
the kids and I are happier without him.
I realized that I’m glad to see him go
and be with another.
I realized I’m grateful to her;
she helped to set me free.
I’m grateful to him; I forgive him.
and the whole Universe
is behind me
and with me
and ahead of me
and below me
and above me
and all around me
and inside me.
I realized that
ALL IS WELL.
He let me go
eight months ago.
At first I moaned in sadness
but eight months later
my heart is filled with gladness—
he was never that much
of a lover anyway.
Now I’ve been set free.
And somewhere there is someone
somehow made just for me.
Do I actually believe
in this fantasy?
Well, the thought excites me,
so, yes, why not?
It all begins at the level of thought
Could I not think it and be free
to step into the realm of possibility
and be open to receiving
the love that is meant for me?
The rains come.
They wash away the dust,
dirt and heat of the day.
They leave a refreshing coolness,
a softness, a pause,
And when my head
feels hot and cluttered
with dusty thoughts
and the dirt of the world,
I sit and go inside myself
and allow the cooling waters
of self-reflection, of meditation,
to give me the softness, the pause,
and the freshness within.
May all beings find their inner solace,
the source of their own healing waters,
and attain liberation
The pull of the shadow emotions
is very strong, as if I were chained
to boulders and thrown overboard
into the ocean,
trying to keep from being pulled under,
struggling to catch my breath,
so much thrashing about,
fighting for survival.
And then it occurs to me,
what if I let myself get pulled under?
What is down there?
Maybe once I’m pulled under
someone familiar with the depths
shows up with a key
and unlocks the chains from around me,
sets me free.
Maybe I discover I’m holding the key,
and I can find freedom even as I sink,
holding my breath, keeping my wits about me,
finding lightness, swimming back up
to breathe the breath of life.
Maybe I die in those depths.
Maybe I am reborn
some shimmering creature of the land and sea,
able to navigate both worlds.
I can’t know what waits for me
if I keep struggling at the surface.
Maybe I’ll let myself be pulled under.
Don’t hide your pain,
especially from yourself.
Pain hidden from yourself
gets blamed on others.
Be brave, warrior,
and look deep inside.
The pain is just another facet
of the deep and abiding joy
that is who you really are.
To experience this deep joy,
you must navigate through
your own pain.
Sit still, breathe,
pay attention to your body—
it has much to tell you.
Breathe a little more,
let it reach deeper into you.
Tune into all of it,
feel all of it,
the grief, the anger, the sadness,
the resentment, the disappointment—
whatever it is, it is showing you the way
back home to your joy.
This day is a huge gift!
How many people who were alive yesterday
didn’t wake up today?
And yet here you are, reading these words—
isn’t it amazing you can look at these symbols
and your precious brain makes meaning of them
in a way that your heart can be touched
or your body may want to move?
At any moment you might breathe deeply
and settle into stillness,
or you may jump up
and run like crazy.
Isn’t it amazing?
If you can escape the perfectionism trap
you’ll discover that you have plenty of time
to create lots of things.
It took me a long time to realize this.
But now that I’m prying myself free
of that ancient cage,
I’m tasting the wind and the sun
and feeling the crackling old snow
crunching under my feet
and remembering to breathe…
and this space to be here in this moment
that when I have words
I can write them–
and they don’t have to be
it’s enough that they are mine.
When there is a color I like
I can grab it and put it somewhere
on a piece of paper
and enjoy a simple doodle…
it doesn’t have to be special art,
it’s enough that it is mine.
and I can knit just one or two rows
and let that be enough
and I can scrape together dinner
pulling multiple containers of leftovers
out of the fridge
and then I can relax and watch a silly cartoon
with my children
because I don’t have the phantom of perfectionism
haunting me, menacing me,
at least not as much as before.
And just that tiny bit of space
shows me how much I can do,
how much I already am.