Tag Archives: marriage

Better That Way

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I wake up anxious
and it isn’t yet the middle of the night.
Ah, it’s going to be a long one.
Two hours later
and still sleep hasn’t come.
I close my eyes,
I hope and hope for respite.
I look at the time,
each hour crawling by
so slowly it’s painful.
The morning comes finally.
I take my seat,
dive into my practice,
find enough of my Self
to act like everything is okay
when he leaves the house early
without telling me why.
I ask no questions.
It’s better that way.

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The Reason for My Darkness

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WARNING:  I am about to disclose some very personal information.  Do not read if you are uncomfortable hearing about my real life.  You have been warned.

The time has come to share. Some of you have been following my blog for a while and you may have noticed that the tone of my poems changed dramatically over the summer.  This is because of the dramatic change I’m experiencing in the relationship with my husband, who announced at the end of June that he wanted a divorce.  This has been without a doubt the most painful life event I’ve ever experienced, and I have drawn upon every ounce of strength and courage within me to cope with the loss of the many dreams I had manufactured over our eight years together. Perhaps some of you were able to infer what was happening by reading my posts, many of them centered on rather dark subject matter.  I’m writing about this now for two reasons:  1) to explain why so many of my posts have been sad, dark, etc. and 2) as an offering to anyone else who is navigating the same stormy seas, to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

My blog has always been a place to explore the circumstances of my life and discover what can be learned from the challenges and the joys, for both are present every single day if we look hard enough.  It turns out that this particular challenge offers me the opportunity to go deeper into myself and discover the many places that I had been hiding from myself.  I’m not sure I would’ve gone this deep had my husband not given me the opportunity to do so.  I have had moments of pain, feelings of betrayal, grief, abandonment and hysteria that have driven me to the very edge of sanity and made me question my will to live.

And I have discovered that my mindset matters in each moment.  It will determine who I am and who I will become.  I can choose to hate him (which I have on many occasions these past couple of months) or I can choose to be grateful for this opportunity to grow (which I have also done on many occasions).  It takes great strength to choose the latter when every cell in my body is grieving, AND, this is what the healing process does to us.  It asks us to regenerate on the cellular level, to let go of who we thought we were to become more fully who we are now.  I trust in the healing process. I have faith that I will make it through this dark time and emerge from it more in tune with my deepest potential, with a lot more to offer to my Self, my family, and the world.

If you are currently going through the loss of a relationship, please know that I feel very deeply for you.  I am seeking solace just as you are, experiencing the grief just like you, trying to make it through each day with some semblance of my self intact, attempting to find something to hope for, trying to believe that the future will be better than this current reality.  I hope that my poems might be helpful in some way, if only to show you that you are not alone in your experience, but that you share it with many others.

And if you’re enjoying a healthy relationship that brings you joy, I’m happy for you!  I ask that you send your good will into the ethers to help and to heal those who are suffering from heartbreak and loss, and I ask you to celebrate every day your good fortune in being in a supportive, loving partnership.  The love that you share with one another uplifts us all and gives us reason to believe that love really does exist. Thank you for reading, thank you for being here.  I appreciate all of you very much and am grateful for the opportunity to share some of my self with you.

 

The Right Person

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I want him to understand me.
Do I understand myself?
Do I understand him?
I want him to hear me.
Do I hear myself?
Do I hear him?
I want him to see me.
Do I see myself?
Do I see him?
Very quickly
one argument
snowballs into
a story of unmet needs
and doomed relationship.
If I can take a step back
and look in objectively,
there isn’t a problem.
Just two tired people
trying to make a shared life
raising young children
work somehow.
May I apply the balm of compassion.
May I remember what is true.
May I do the work inside,
and be the one I’ve been waiting for–
the one who understands, hears,
and sees me as I really am.
When I come to this place
of genuine self love,
I’ll stop asking
if I’m with the right person.
When I’m right with myself,
everyone else
is alright with me.

In the Face of Opposition

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Disaster.
Misunderstanding.
Even though I was up early,
two kittens and a sleepy husband
started my day off with mayhem.
I wanted to sit first,
woke him up as I tried
to evict the cats from the room,
as he awoke he asked why I wanted to sit now–
he thought I should wait…
and this opened up a can of worms.
After five years of maintaining my daily practice,
I’m still wanting his support and understanding,
and he is still not giving it in the way I had hoped.
And this is part of my practice
and part of learning how to be in a marriage, I guess.
This is what I tell myself anyway.
At times like this I dream
of living in a community of like-minded practitioners,
but is this what will help me grow?
I must need to develop more conviction
because my husband is giving me an opportunity
to stand my ground and maintain my practice
even in the face of opposition.

NaPoWriMo 2015 Day 4: I’ll Keep Him

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I found the post with  yesterday’s NaPoWriMo prompt.  Write a poem about love without all the moonbeams and roses, don’t use the word “Love” anywhere.  Here goes.

I had hoped it would be romantic.
I had hoped he would look into my eyes
and know what I was thinking.

I thought he would meditate with me,
play music,
create art,
write,
climb,
hike,
massage my shoulders just right.

I thought he would complete me in some way,
and that we would be soulmates forever.

Then I grew up a little more,
and different qualities
emerged in plain sight
out of my new reality.

A good worker.
A devoted father.
A caring son.
A kind friend.
A merciless big brother.
A practical provider.
A default bed warmer.
A co-conspirator
in the art of keeping house.
A fun uncle,
A prankster,
A laugher at the absurdity of life,
A strong-willed,
stubborn,
no nonsense,
dig in his heels
honest finance juggler,
A persistent go-getter,
a life partner.

Of all my friends,
there is none better-suited
to dealing with my caprices–
he is a dragon conqueror.

Sometimes he’s a knucklehead,
but he’s my knucklehead.
I think I’ll keep him.

Waiting for the Right Time

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He wanted to talk last night.
I was too emotionally charged
and I declined.
He wanted to talk this morning.
I was still too charged,
was a bit snarky, and declined.

I wanted to talk tonight.
He was grumpy
and sore at me for declining
his invitations,
so he declined,
took a shower,
went to bed.

And here I am,
wondering,
waiting for the right time
to try again.

Choose What Works

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Tired
At the end of the day
Giving a child a bath
Husband arrived home,
walked in
And scolded me
For not shoveling our sidewalk
After the snow today.

“We’re the only ones who haven’t shoveled.

“It’s our responsibility!”

I felt immediately defensive
After the tough day I’d had
And I started to react
With a loud voice
and a fast-paced mind.
It’s hard to talk oneself
off the ledge;
anger has such a seductive quality.

Now I have to find
some way to iron things out
And I really don’t feel
like apologizing.
Marriage can be
a source of great growth
but also of intense frustration.

Now I have to look inside my mind,
remember what works
and what doesn’t
to smooth the sometimes bumpy path of life partnership…
And choose what works.