Tag Archives: sadness

Remember the Inner Light

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Tired and low again today.
My fear is that this state
becomes my normal state,
that I cease to have hope,
that my resolve to change
crashes and burns.
I remember suddenly
that the solstice is in one week.
These are the darkest days of the year.
May I remember the inner light
as the world grows darker
and the nights longer.

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Wholly Dazed

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Don’t get me wrong,
it’s not that I hate Christmas…
It’s just that it is dead to me now.
The lights, the trees, the carols,
stepping into the home
of my son’s kindergarten friend,
seeing their happy Christmas
taking shape in their happy home,
and inwardly bemoaning
the shapelessness of my Christmas,
now that it’s dead.
Disintegration.
A marriage, a holiday, a life,
all falling apart.
Dead things decay;
particles break down
and return to the earth.
New lifeĀ springs up
and eases the memory of death.
Will this happen for me?
Can I hope for this much?

Please God, Help

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Unraveling.
darkness taking over…
no energy,
no will.
Lost.
Alone.
Hopeless.
I’m afraid to ask if this could get worse;
I don’t think I could bear it if it did.
Weak.
Hating this part of me that is so sad.
Angry.
Angry at life.
Angry at everything, everyone,
but most of all angry at my Self
for somehow allowing this to happen.
Did I have a choice?
What could I have done differently to avoid this?
Could this have been avoided?
Please god, help.
I can’t see the light anymore
and I’m scared.

Let Myself Go

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I curl inside myself
even tighter
than I ever have before.
It is dark, uncomfortable,
lonely,
far away from everyone.
It should feel safe
but it doesn’t.
This isn’t a fearless navigation
of unknown territory…
it’s staying stuck in one place,
terrified, confused.
I can’t remember
why I’m so scared
or what got me here
in the first place.
I’d like to get out
if only I’d let myself go.

Deeper Initiation

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The world is closing in
and my feelings overwhelm me;
there is no escape.
Wisdom speaks.
It says:
When it appears
that there is no direction to turn,
it is time to turn within.
Can I tease apart
the many layers of my grief?
Can I find the slivers of light
that make their way in
when I reach for the spaces
between the darkest thoughts?
I never knew it would be this hard.
I wonder who’ll I be
on the other end.
Someone suggested
that this is an initiation of sorts.
Initiation into what?
I know sadness, loneliness,
depression and grief too well.
Is this a deeper initiation,
a chance to crack the code
of existence itself?

Down

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Down.
Of course I always was
at this time of year,
because of the absence of light,
because of the cold,
because of the way
the sun sets when I’m not ready.
But this year,
the Christmas decorations
are bringing me down too.
The Christmas carols
are making me cry
instead of sing.
I feel sad looking at my children.
I feel sad about everything.
I never knew something
that always brought such joy
could bring the sting of sadness
over and over and over again.
But I guess that this is how it goes
when home doesn’t feel like home,
when your husband isn’t a husband,
when your life isn’t what
you thought it would be.
Still, there’s something about the holidays
that makes this worse.
Is it the outward cheer
that throws my inner desolation
into such sharp relief?
Every time I see a Christmas tree
I want to weep.
Sometimes I do.
Please God, let me make it through.

Shining For You

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What begins as a sad, sober moment
ends as a hearty celebration,
and the things we thought we lost
have just taken another form.
Why grieve, then?
If nothing is lost
why are we searching?
Each question is a little twinkling star
in the grandest night sky of silent knowing.
Keep asking
and maybe you will see
all the lights are shining
for you.