Tag Archives: searching

Now What?

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I keep asking myself
What am I holding onto,
and what am I willing to let go of?
The answers don’t arrive
in neat little packages;
they feel more like waves,
and they come as urges,
sensations, intuitive bursts.
When I get still and quiet,
when I listen to what’s being said,
when I feel my way fully
into the experience of this moment
all the signs
point the way
to something deeper.
It sinks in finally:
What I’m seeking
to label
is beyond words.
What I wish to grasp
cannot be seized in my hands.
What I want to understand
exists beyond understanding.
I recognize I know nothing.
Now what?

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Self-Help Junkie

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I ordered more self-help books today…
they’ve been my drug of choice
since June.
I keep believing
someone else has found
the clear path to my healing.
I’m searching
for the recipe
the strategy
the tip
the trick
the magical incantation
the mantra
the meditation
the process
the 40 day workbook
the online program
the teacher, speaker, or coach
to help me feel ok
about my life,  my self.
The hungry ghost looms large;
its insatiable appetite aches loudly.
I am overcome by everything.
I start to believe
that some mistake was made
when I came to Earth,
because clearly
I wasn’t meant for this world.
I pick up another self-help book.
Oh, someone else feels this way too?
I find some hope, some solace,
one moment of respite.
There are worse addictions.

Suddenly I Remember

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I keep thinking
I’m not doing enough.
I should be go-getting,
job-hunting, interviewing
CV revising, buckling down,
buttoning up,
preparing myself
for the world of work.
My heart sinks to think
of losing time with my kids,
of giving my time to something
that saps my energy
to have the funds
to make ends meet.
I get caught up
in a whirlwind of thoughts.
I pray to God.
God says, BREATHE.
Suddenly I remember
panicky thoughts
never got me anywhere.
Suddenly I remember
It’s going to be okay.

Practice Being

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How to find the balance
between rest and work,
connecting with others
and connecting with self,
being in the outer world
and navigating the inner?
Is balance a myth?
It’s not as if
I set a timer
and say
Now I have one hour
to go inwards
It’s not like during that one hour
I am completely at one with myself.
It’s more organic than that.
When I sit in meditation
my thoughts drift to the outer world,
and when I’m out in the world,
I often feel myself longing for my cushion.
Is this the plight of the human?
Our memories create longing for what was,
our desires create longing for what could be,
and here we are with what is.
Maybe it’s not so much about searching for balance
but more like finding out what being really means.
Sometimes life is messy,
sometimes we lose our balance completely,
sometimes we fall.
If I’m always looking for balance,
I’ll feel like a failure in wobbly moments.
It’s all so unpredictable.
Let me drop all hope of balancing.
Let me breathe and use my life
as an opportunity to practice being.

All Along

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When you are tired and lonely,
when you are weary
and the journey seems far too long,
When the world is fraught with danger,
who steps in to remind you
that all is well?

Who gives you the hugs
and the reassurance you need
to take a deep breath
and carry on?

Who looks into your eyes
with compassion and kindness?
Who holds you
and whispers You are safe?

Don’t search outside for the answers.
Become very very silent and still.
Just wait,
wait very patiently

And little by little you might find
that the one you seek
is the being you are

The happiness you have been waiting for,
the compassion
gentleness
kindness
and strength
have been with you all along.

Searching

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Gri-Gri

We let go of you last night.
We wanted you to be released from your suffering.
I knew it was the right decision,
one that I would want made for me,
if I were in your condition.

But now I look for you.
On the stairs up to my meditation room
where you would patiently wait for me
until I was done sitting.

I look for you on the couch
where you would bask in the afternoon sun.
Under the bed where you would hide
when the children were too loud.

In your corner of the basement
where you would go
when underneath the bed wasn’t quiet enough.

I keep expecting to hear the sounds of
your claws tapping on the hardwood floors,
to hear you purr in greeting as I walk into the room.
You didn’t make all that much noise,
but I can notice the quiet that has blanketed the house
in your absence.

What will I do with all this emptiness I feel?
And how long will I keep searching for you,
knowing that you never again will be
where you once were?

I guess you are everywhere now…
If I listen, I might hear your purr
echoing from the walls of my heart.