Tag Archives: self-awareness

Retreat Day 5: Integration

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Soon we’ll be heading back home.
How will it feel
to leave the warm Arizona desert
and return to the reality
that awaits me back home?
What do I do
when home doesn’t feel like home?
It’s cold in Maryland.
My husband and I are meeting with
the mediator next week.
I still grieve the loss of our friendship,
the loss of closeness, of trust,
of a shared future.
I want to have answers
but that’s not how this works;
I’m living my path
day by day,
moment by moment.
I want to see the whole
trajectory of my life,
but all that is ever revealed to me
is the next step forward,
just one step at a time.
So I take one step.
That’s all I can do.
My deep wish
in this moment
is that the magic I felt
while here
will be so integrated
within my Self
it will stay with me
and live in my heart
as I turn towards
what waits for resolution,
opening to what is.

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Suddenly I Remember

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I keep thinking
I’m not doing enough.
I should be go-getting,
job-hunting, interviewing
CV revising, buckling down,
buttoning up,
preparing myself
for the world of work.
My heart sinks to think
of losing time with my kids,
of giving my time to something
that saps my energy
to have the funds
to make ends meet.
I get caught up
in a whirlwind of thoughts.
I pray to God.
God says, BREATHE.
Suddenly I remember
panicky thoughts
never got me anywhere.
Suddenly I remember
It’s going to be okay.

Are You Willing to Pay?

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Help is everywhere,
all around us,
but we won’t see it
if we’re searching for
the help to arrive
in a particular form.
On the journey to freedom,
our eyes need to be set free
from the mind that tells them
how to see.
Our minds need to be set free
from the will that demands
things turn out a certain way.
And our wills need to be set free
from the prison of our conditioning.
Such freedom comes at a great cost:
We must be willing to let go
of who we were
in order to be who we are now.
Do you long for such freedom?
Are you willing to pay for it?

More On Faith

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What would it feel like
to surrender myself completely to God?
And how would I go about
surrendering myself so completely?
My faith has alway hit a plateau,
a place where it feels blocked,
inauthentic.
Can I reach a little deeper
and trust in the great unfolding?
I can hear the critics sneer.
They talk about delusion,
laziness, resignation,
a lack of accountability,
a lack of responsibility.
But my faith is not complacency,
and I am not a bystander of my life.
When I press on and press through
my own fears,
faith is a great landscape
that I cannot comprehend
but which dazzles and compels me
to keep moving forward.
Maybe I can cultivate faith
in the part of me
that knows faith will help
bring me through this dark night.
Maybe it’s a doorway to God.
Maybe the surrender has already happened
and like a baby,
I’m just now opening my eyes,
seeing the world
for the very first time.

Afternoon Reflection

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The afternoon light sparkles
on gently waving leaves.
My body wants rest; I listen.
I take a moment,
one little pause to reflect.
Who thinks these thoughts?
Who writes these words?
Who causes the leaves to dance
and the wind to blow through them?
It can be spacious, this moment,
this life.
The light keeps sparkling
and something within me
recognizes it.
All at once I realize,
I’m here. I made it.

The Home Within

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I can make peace with myself,
really love myself,
and then I don’t have to be
an approval junkie any more.
It’s when I have rejected myself
that I look outside for some proof
that I’m okay. Will you tell me I’m okay?
And then really, what then?
You tell me I’m okay—
will I believe you?
Will I need you to keep telling me
over and over again?
And the minute you stop,
will I not be okay anymore?
In the end, freedom is
being at home with oneself.
We can invite visitors every now and again,
but they can’t give us true belonging.
The real sense of welcome
glows from the hearth of the home within.

True Grace

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Adjusting to a new reality
and wanting to be graceful about it…
but watching myself
go kicking and screaming instead.
And then grateful
I can be this honest with myself.
Noticing I’m judging
when I want to be accepting,
I’m scared when I want to be brave
I’m avoiding when I want to be proactive.
And it hits me…
I don’t have to be good at this.
I can be the way I am
and show up for myself
with love and compassion.
A space opens up
where the resistance once lived.
Now true grace can be revealed.