I was ready for it
and so it came…
I didn’t want to suffer any longer.
I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to heal.
I wanted my children to feel safe
with both of us.
I wanted to release my anger.
I wanted to embrace trust,
to trust in love,
to love what is.
Once the decision was made,
there was no turning back.
Grace swept over me
and through me,
above and below me,
all around me,
in front of me,
past and future,
and I found myself
here in this moment
free and light and clear.
Ah, the paradox of awakening…
the detachment from the desire
for the thing I think
I absolutely need
in order to be happy,
the letting go
of the thing
I want to hold on to
with all of my soul.
The disappearing into nothingness
when some part of me
wants differentiation and connection.
Maybe this path is just about holding
different realities in my consciousness,
Learning and discerning which realities
bring me to the threshold of self-knowing,
and ultimately choosing the experience
I create as I look out
into the world.
if I go deeper than I’ve ever gone before,
will I get lost in the depths?
Will I hit the bottom and bounce back up?
Will I get disoriented and not know
which way is up?
Will I run out of air?
Will I drown down there?
Even scarier than the thought
of getting lost in the depths
is the thought of staying forever
stuck in the shallows
wondering if I’ll ever
have the courage to go deeper.
I think I’ll just go ahead
and go deeper.
And then it hit me…
The reason I can’t see the path ahead
is because I’m creating a new one.
Let me trust the forces that brought me here.
Let me tap into the deep source of awareness.
Let me be willing to step into the unknown
and allow myself to blossom
in the vast, open field of infinite possibilities.
Still more of everything.
I read a few pages,
I pause to consider,
and then one of my kids
Where was I?
I pick up another book,
read a few pages more.
Will I ever get to the bottom of this?
I start to wonder
if all the answers
to all of my questions
aren’t already inside of me
and I’m using the books
to distract me away from that realization.
Could I trust myself
to get still and pay attention
to what is alive in me in this moment?
It seems that that most helpful guidance
doesn’t come from a book
but instead flows
from the Source within.
Could I open to this source
and let it pour from me
to bless the world
with the clear, pure water
The wind howled and howled all day.
This evening in yoga class
I challenged my students
to identify the story they told themselves
that was holding them back.
I also challenged them to discover
the practice that would facilitate
their living into the biggest version of themselves.
The wind kept howling just outside the studio window.
It was a mournful sound, a sound of
deep, inconsolable sadness.
I heard the voices of those who had gone on,
the voices of those who regretted deeply
not living the lives
they were born to live.
Now only the wind speaks for them.
When you are stuck
in doubt and fear
don’t stay there!
Take a deep breath
and reach out to your teachers.
You have them,
Reach out to the ones
who remind you who you really are,
the ones who hold you in the space
of lovingkindness, acceptance, compassion.
If you can’t think of anyone
who can do that for you right now,
then it’s time to do it for yourself.
Reach in to the teacher inside,
the one who remembers
that you have a purpose to live out
in this world of changing weather.
Reach in to the one
who knows how to breathe deeply,
to the one who gives you permission
to be exactly who you are right now,
and who knows how worthy you are
of loving and being loved.
Whether we reach out or we reach in
we will find rest and peace
in the space
of silent, clear awareness.