I came to realize that so much of my life energy
was being poured into thinly disguised attempts to be seen,
heard, held, cherished, loved…
and these attempts never yielded the results I sought.
I asked myself why I was giving my power away like that.
I asked myself to cut it out already.
And then I asked myself,
Wait a minute…can I see myself?
Can I hear myself?
Can I hold myself?
Can I cherish myself?
Can I love myself?
And I discovered that yes,
yes I can.
Still more of everything.
I read a few pages,
I pause to consider,
and then one of my kids
Where was I?
I pick up another book,
read a few pages more.
Will I ever get to the bottom of this?
I start to wonder
if all the answers
to all of my questions
aren’t already inside of me
and I’m using the books
to distract me away from that realization.
Could I trust myself
to get still and pay attention
to what is alive in me in this moment?
It seems that that most helpful guidance
doesn’t come from a book
but instead flows
from the Source within.
Could I open to this source
and let it pour from me
to bless the world
with the clear, pure water
If you knew that what you wanted
was within reach
right outside your comfort zone
would you go for it?
If you knew it would take
some effort on your part
would you go ahead
and muster the strength?
If you knew you could do it
but you would need to choose it,
and choose it with every fiber
of your beautiful being,
would you make the choice?
–Says the Universe to us,
every single day, as it
puts what we want
just outside our comfort zone.
We drove to a valley surrounded by beautiful, gentle mountains, a desert landscape, scrubby junipers, yellowing sycamores. There was a creek not far off from where we set up our circle of chairs and its soft chatter provided a melodious and comforting backdrop to the deep work we did.
The medicine woman spoke:
Prepare yourself for a journey
You will be sitting, breathing,
Searching for guidance,
we listened to the drum
sounding the heartbeat
of the Earth Mother.
Trust, go inside, listen.
Make contact with
an animal spirit
and ask what its gifts are,
what you are meant
to be activating in your own life.
After each journey
we would share our insights.
I found myself moved to tears
many times today.
that sometimes the most subtle journeys
are the most tiring,
asking for every ounce of will
even as they impart the most precious gifts.
And who are you, really,
at the end of the day?
Are you this name
attached to this body…only?
Or is there more to you?
Are you this persona,
this collection of stories,
Are you who
they told you you were
when you were too little
to decide for yourself?
It’s not about becoming
who you are, I’ve decided…
It’s about creating
who you are in each moment
being who you are right now
at the core
of your most authentic self.
When you live from this core,
there is no need to wait
for something to happen
in order to be happy;
you are happiness itself
through your unique consciousness.
Now do you know who you are?
Wide awake in the middle of the night,
head buzzing with the latest fears, doubts and anxieties,
I decided to dive deep into the ocean of myself.
I discovered stories I had told about myself
I saw the ways that I had unconsciously trained
my husband to perpetuate the stories,
and how desperately I was seeking
love, attention and approval
even in the midst of my beliefs of unworthiness.
Wide awake in the middle of the night
I experienced a profound reckoning,
a chance, a choice to stop telling those stories
once and for all,
to witness and know and hold my goodness
in the vast space of my tender heart—
and to see the innocence in all of us.
Five hours passed as I underwent this reckoning.
The next morning I was sleep deprived
and most likely looked like a zombie…
but awakening to the truth at the core of myself
was worth it!
Fear rises up, resistance,
to represent a voice that thinks
reality is flawed and should be changed.
And then spirit gives my sanity back to me.
It says Breathe.
I take a deep breath and I can feel my fullness,
my power, my connection with this moment.
The fear drops away, the resistance melts,
and my body sits up taller.
It says I am here and all is well.
All of life, all of it, is NOW.
All of my power, my joy, my abundance,
all is unfolding now, only now.
As I look back, the stories that threaten me
are the ones that begin with “What if?”
I’m done playing that miserable game.
It’s time to wake up and since and dance
and rejoice and breathe and celebrate
and say THANK YOU, I’M ALIVE!