I search for meaning
because I want all of this
to mean something…
but what if this was all
What if I could step back,
take a deep breath, relax,
and not see any of this
as a threat?
Peace would come quickly then.
All of the stories of heartbreak,
loss, suffering, injustice
emerge from a sense of self
separate from the world around it.
If I could merge my consciousness
with that of the world’s,
wouldn’t I laugh
at the absurdity of it all?
I could cry all day and night
for twenty years,
and it wouldn’t change
the rhythm of the ocean.
Can I let these waves passing through me
be just another indication
that I am one with the ocean of life?
In the early morning
just before dawn
I had a lucid dream.
My body still asleep,
my mind became alert
that the reality I was experiencing
was, in fact, a dream.
I was facing a dark parking lot
standing on a narrow path
with the woods behind me,
and it struck me how creepy it was
to be there, just standing there
in the dark night alone.
And then I dropped something
(was it my keys??)
and I began searching in the plants
beside the path for whatever it was
I thought I had lost.
Suddenly, I realized,
I’m dreaming! There is no reason
for me to be here in a dark parking lot
at night by myself.
And then came the feeling of excitement
and the exhilaration that rises up
whenever I realize I’m awake
within my dream,
because now I’m capable of anything,
I can go anywhere,
I can have anything,
I can see everything,
the only limit is my imagination.
At such times
I usually choose to fly
just to verify
that I am in fact dreaming.
So I felt my body rising up
toward the sky.
And I had this felt sense
that I had tried so many times
to be in control of this sort of experience,
wanting to master the art of flying,
to be strong and capable,
taking myself wherever I wanted,
Now I wanted to surrender.
I wanted to surrender to God.
And so I let myself be buoyed up,
up, up, up,
until I was high in the sky
close to the stars,
and it was this feeling of being held
of floating in this vast ocean of stars
and it felt so good and so right
to just let myself be held.
I awoke then,
but the feeling has stayed with me,
and this image of being held
by a gentle, unseen, immense force—
floating in an ocean of stars.
And then I asked myself,
Why am I trying to hold it all together?
What if I let myself fall apart?
What if all the pieces fell,
and the wind blew some of them away,
and the rains washed others away,
and a broom swept still others away,
all that was left
were the pieces that mattered,
the pieces that couldn’t be
blown or washed or swept away…
And what if I took all those pieces
and began building myself again?
Or if some great mosaic artist found them
and created some new work of beauty?
I won’t know until I try.
Maybe I’ll let myself fall apart
and see what happens.
When you become a channel for Grace
don’t expect life to make sense.
Grace doesn’t move through your rational mind,
that linear lie of mathematical meaning,
holding on to logic for dear life,
as if it could give us what we yearn for.
Just learn to be still and listen, really listen
to the promptings of your soul.
Be open. Breathe. Watch. Listen. Feel.
There are signs everywhere
pointing you in the direction you need to go.
And you only ever need to know this moment.
It’s all you ever can know.
Let the armor you’ve built around you fall away
to expose the tender, beautiful self you’ve been hiding.
This tenderness reveals the exquisite sensitivity required
to receive the messages sent to you by the Grace
of all that is.
When you live like this
you realize there is no other way to live.
Surrender to this moment,
whatever is happening,
just see it with open eyes.
And then if someone is trying
to take your power away,
RUN LIKE HELL!
I wanted to learn about surrender
so life gave me some challenges
to see if I was serious.
And these weren’t the sorts of challenges
where effort, reason, persistence and a plan
would bear fruit,
no, these were challenges that showed me
that I have absolutely no control
over anything at all
except for the way I relate to my experience.
Was I going to fight to hold on
to old constructs, to stay in the same place,
to be seduced by familiarity,
even though it was hurting me?
Or could I let everything go,
and watch my empty hands
open and ready to receive
what was next?
In the blink of an eye
it all changes.
What you thought
was sad or unfortunate
becomes a blessing somehow.
The storm passes
and with it the anger,
the clouds part
and the sun shines
in your mind once again.
If it all changes so quickly
why take any of it seriously?
Behind the facade of
significance we assign
to each little detail
there is a whole big picture
we cannot see.
Why not trust
that we are where we need to be,
doing what we need to do…
and leave the rest to the force
that keeps the planets in orbit?