The more I try to get unstuck
the more stuck I am.
If I can relax, look around
and accept the fact that I’m stuck
then I can better find the way out
of whatever rut I’ve fallen into.
First, I look at my thoughts.
Is the story I’m telling
helping me to be happy?
If not, it’s time to rethink
my vision of this moment.
When I allow them to be,
everyone around me
is the love of my life.
When my heart is shut down
and I believe my fear thoughts,
even the most innocent souls
become my enemies.
How can it be that I have this much love
and this much fear in me
all at once?
The depression and the despair
creep up and try to settle in;
I know them well
and I know where this is going.
It occurs to me to not go there,
not this time.
This time, I tell myself,
I’ll remember that I can choose.
I am not the screen,
nor the images projected upon it,
neither am I the projector–
I am the one who stands behind it,
watching the movie being played.
I am the one who chooses the reels.
I can choose a beautiful story,
a joyful, delightful, healing story.
Meditation gives me this choice.
Let me remember who I really am.
I am not this sad story
of grief and loss, not this time.
This time I am strength,
resilience, freedom, forgiveness.
I am creativity, inspiration,
May I remember my power.
May I choose wisely.
There is no need to dwell on the past,
to try to figure out who’s right
and who’s wrong,
not when this moment
is so richly landscaped
by our current thoughts,
our fabricated perceptions…
Surely there is enough here
to catch our fancy
without having to
exhume and examine
of something that happened
so long ago
we can’t remember why
we’re trying so hard to remember!
Close your eyes to the past.
There is nothing for you there.
Open your eyes to this moment
for just a moment,
then close them again.
Now, do you see?
That which is timeless
is inside of you,
the eyes inside your eyes,
the ears inside your ears.
Trust the voice that you can hear
only when you become still
and listen deeply.
Your thoughts give rise to your perception
which shapes your actions
which build your reality
which determines your experience of Life.
Look inside your mind.
What picture do your thoughts paint there?
If you do not like this picture,
paint a new one.
What you see in your mind
is ultimately your choice,
the only choice you can make really…
and it is your most basic power.
How will you wield it?
Working at the level of mind
can get very heady.
Being acutely aware of all thoughts,
challenging their truth,
seeing how they make me feel,
deciding which ones to share–
so much work it gets exhausting.
I sometimes wonder if there will come a time
when it gets easier,
when life seems a bit smoother
because my mind itself has smoothed out.
It takes great courage
to accept full responsibility for one’s experience.
Of course the alternative
would be living at the mercy
of everyone else’s stories.
It also takes great courage
to listen intently
especially when someone’s story
differs from your own.
I’m working on that one.
I still feel defensive, outraged,
put upon, misunderstood,
and depressed sometimes.
Could there come a time
that I know my mind so well
that it can no longer make me suffer?
I have a lot of work to do.
As I open to a new way of seeing
the old way redoubles its efforts
to keep me where I was.
Each moment waking up from a dream
that things should be
other than what they are,
I wonder how much more I can open
my eyes, my heart, my mind, my body, my life
to this life, this life right now.
The old way is fear, resistance, arrogance;
the new way is innocence, clarity,
falling in love with not knowing,
being awe-inspired by the most simple things.
I know what I want.
I want to be the kindest, most loving
most helpful, most awake person I can be.
Now how to embrace the reality of this self
as I walk each step dreaming
of waking up from the dream?
I woke up early
to sit and do the Work today.
After a rough night in which
I brought my four year old son to our bed
and ended up dragging myself off to sleep in his,
I was up a little before 5,
ready to spend some time with my thoughts.
After my sit
I stepped outside to witness the supermoon,
a vibrant beauty hovering just above the horizon
as the sun began to show hints of its arrival.
And then coffee, a bowl of cereal,
then my journal open, pen poised,
ready for the Work.
page after page
I managed to bring myself
from resentment over loss of sleep
to gratitude for this sweet life with my little family.
There isn’t some special kind of magic in my pen–
Just the normal kind.
It’s the same kind of magic you’d find in any pen–
the magic to look back at one’s thoughts
and see how the whole universe
is our own projection,
the power to understand
how believing in our thoughts
is a choice
and the will to investigate those thoughts
is a superpower.
I realized, chuckling,
that if I were going to blame my husband
for my loss of sleep,
then I might as well
blame the moon.
And who could blame the moon?