Tag Archives: understanding

Retreat Day 5: Integration

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Soon we’ll be heading back home.
How will it feel
to leave the warm Arizona desert
and return to the reality
that awaits me back home?
What do I do
when home doesn’t feel like home?
It’s cold in Maryland.
My husband and I are meeting with
the mediator next week.
I still grieve the loss of our friendship,
the loss of closeness, of trust,
of a shared future.
I want to have answers
but that’s not how this works;
I’m living my path
day by day,
moment by moment.
I want to see the whole
trajectory of my life,
but all that is ever revealed to me
is the next step forward,
just one step at a time.
So I take one step.
That’s all I can do.
My deep wish
in this moment
is that the magic I felt
while here
will be so integrated
within my Self
it will stay with me
and live in my heart
as I turn towards
what waits for resolution,
opening to what is.

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More On Faith

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What would it feel like
to surrender myself completely to God?
And how would I go about
surrendering myself so completely?
My faith has alway hit a plateau,
a place where it feels blocked,
inauthentic.
Can I reach a little deeper
and trust in the great unfolding?
I can hear the critics sneer.
They talk about delusion,
laziness, resignation,
a lack of accountability,
a lack of responsibility.
But my faith is not complacency,
and I am not a bystander of my life.
When I press on and press through
my own fears,
faith is a great landscape
that I cannot comprehend
but which dazzles and compels me
to keep moving forward.
Maybe I can cultivate faith
in the part of me
that knows faith will help
bring me through this dark night.
Maybe it’s a doorway to God.
Maybe the surrender has already happened
and like a baby,
I’m just now opening my eyes,
seeing the world
for the very first time.

Live Something Deeper

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I search for meaning
and I come up with something
that feels right.
If I’m awake,
I don’t expect anyone else
to agree with the meaning I’ve made.
If I’m asleep,
I become defensive
when others disagree,
and disagree they will…
Because everyone, everywhere
is always making their own meaning.
This is what we are, essentially:
beings making meaning.
But take note:
Beyond the meaning we have made,
there is this divine moment,
existing free of labels,
independent of our judgments,
utterly untarnished by our analyses.
The wisest among us
are able to stay with the moment
and maybe steer us back
when we get caught up
in the meaning we have made.
God bless those who know how to live
in this divine perfect moment,
who can transcend the personal meaning
and live something deeper.

The Truth of My Deepest Self

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And then I realized
this suffering isn’t
some nuisance to be tolerated…
it’s an opportunity
to dive deep within myself
and learn something.
It’s a chance to trust
that what I’ve been given
is what I’m meant to have
(for now)
and as I shift inside
I’ll see the shifts on the outside too.
It’s a confrontation
with the old, outworn stories,
a chance to rewrite the narrative
into something deeper,
something more beautiful,
more meaningful than before.
And I turn to my higher power,
saying,
Let this be an initiation
into profound understanding.
Let this be a signpost
that I’ve moved into a territory
of authentic feeling.
Facing what arises,
loving what I cannot yet understand,
faithful that whatever brought me here
won’t leave me here to die…
Awakening to what is
and who I am,
seeing the truth of my deepest Self.

Peace Was There

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And like that, peace returns to my heart.
One could argue it never left,
but try to explain that
to a weary soul at 2:30 am
full of fear, heart bruised by loss.
But the dark night passed,
and the sun rose,
and the day marched on,
and I got done what needed to be done.
I was blessed by sleep and connection,
beloveds appearing with smiles,
open minds, open hearts,
and the desire to really, truly help.
Yes, the peace never left but in my mind.
It sure is wonderful to discover
peace was there all along.

Standing Here

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Standing here, looking forward
I can hope, I feel strong,
I know I can make it through this.
Looking back
I feel angry, I feel hurt,
I feel betrayed,
I am filled with grief.
Standing here, right here
in this present moment,
I am aware of the swirls of thought
and my tendency to look back
and to look forward.
Standing here, opening my eyes,
I see what choices I have.
I sit down.
I close my eyes.
I breathe in and out, slowly.
This moment is all I ever have.
This moment is all I ever need to know.